The only exception

"I don't date girls who smoke, like I said I like my girls clean. It's a big turn off, but when you said that, for some reason I don't care."

Hm, there's more to that quote but this isn't the first time I've heard someone say these exact same words... Wierd.

I told him I'll stop. I promised him I'll tell him if I do. Only cause he thinks Im attractive yet he's actually trying to get to know me instead trying to get at me all dirty.

Something else

This guy right? Too lazy to explain, go to my tumblr if you get lost cheskababesx3.tumblr.com
this guy, he's so different. Mind blowing. He throws things out at me I didn't expect to hear and I would think you're lying I mean c'mon. Two days. But he's right. There was something when it was just us at night under all the stars, I did feel something. Something real, something so right. I never thought I meet someone like you. And if you knew about this blog post you'd be all like "slow your roll there Missy" like you do say. But there you go, sayin this and that. Hm. Idk you're a hard person to read mister .

I want to stop liking you. I neeeeed to. Because I feel pathetic. Fucking pathetic. You don't feel the same way I feel about you at all. You did. Before. Before, you'd text me right when you'd leave and when I didn't reply fast enough, I'd get another text from you. I'm not quite sure if you still do now because things with you are definitely not the same. I don't know. You're the first girl I've ever genuinely developed feelings for. I'm not heartbroken, I just feel reaaaal pathetic. Just tell me if I'm wasting my time and I'll stop. But the last time I wanted to stop, you kept coming on to me no matter how much I tried! Dammit, stop giving mixed signals -.-

flashback!

So a couple days ago I realized that I missed you. I havn't thought about you in a long time and one day you just popped into my head. And I started remembering you. The way you do you hair, the way you walk up to me, the way how those gorgeous lips curve up and I see your braces. I remembered how I'd get a kick on my leg or a punch on my shoulder and turn around to see you. Then, I remembered how I'd sit in my room and really think about you and then call my bestfriend late at night rambling on and on for hours about how I think that I genuinely like you. And that's wierd because I don't give much heart into girls. I know its hurtful but its true. And when I'd feel that stupid flutter feeling when I see your eyes perk up, god I felt so , wierd. And it makes me feel pathetic because I'm older and I know you don't feel the way I do.
So back to what I was saying, I miss you. And I havn't stopped falling for you. You're just that type of person I know I won't ever meet another person quite just like you.

I don't like you. So why am I getting jealous.

Past

I've been hanging out with one of my old ex boyfriends lately. Well only twice but we've been talking alot. How did this happen? Especially after all thats happened between me n him in those 7 months. It all began when I saw my old bestfriend at church and for some reason I said hi. Because again, alot happened between me n her as well. Then she started crying so I left to buy a candle and came back. She was crying in my bestfriend's shirt and poor guy was just in the middle of an awkward situation. So I asked if we could just go back and shit and then she was crying in my shirt. So later into this reborn friendship I asked her if my ex ex hated me. Remember, this isn't a current ex or any guy that I had relations with, the one waaaay back when I started this blog. Anyways, she said all this stuff like no he doesn't and that I should just text him next time that I wanted to because it wouldn't do much harm. So I did, he said no and all this other stuff that really made me feel good about myself like really good. So now we're friends too. Back to the story, we've been texting alot and now I call him at night because I feel lonely and bored. Two days ago he came by and picked me up and we drove with an absoloute no sense of direction. Here let me paste my tumblr post about that day on here; Did you know today’s the first day of summer? Well I spent it with an exboyfriend surprisingly. He picked me up and we just drove. Where? We dont know we just kept driving and then eventually went to amerige. We talked at one of the tables then I kept touching everything in his car. Then we just drove again. This time we ended up at La mirada park. Walked around. Then messed around for a good 25 mins in his car. Then went to my neighborhood and laid in his car for 15 mins then left. And I jacked his hat ^^ Next time we’re eating lunch someplace good :] Good first day of summer I must say
Yup. that was the day, I had a picture of me wearing his hat but that's on my facebook so I'm not gonna repost that. Yesterday I was late on checking my texts and I guess he took me seriously when I said I was bored and to come get me because a couple misread texts and finally "I'm at the gate" He stopped by and I freaked out because I was at such a risk of getting caught. Not that there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing, he is just a friend but then again, I have filipino parents and fuck those rules like seriously. Anyways I chilled in his car for a bit then that was over and I left.
Todaaaay. He came and got me like usual and then we drove and drove and ended up in target and bringing up all this shit from the past. Then we passed sunnyhills and ended up in some random parkinglot because we had no idea where we were going. Then ended back up at la mirada park's parking lot and just listened to music there. The end. More to come though, bye friend.

Sane

"We're only human, we need people around to feel happy. And even then we probably aren't completely happy. But that's normal. If you're alone, you can't really just make yourself happy. When we laugh, sure yeah but no one's really completely happy. And if they are, they're probably not sane."

I Love Lim. Even when I still called you Christine before you moved to a different school and now every calls you names and nick names routed from your last name :]

nostalgia

Reading makes me feel wierd. It makes me want to write, I guess thats why when my teacher asked me if I read alot and she assumed so because "I'm a good writer" I found that funny because I don't read alot. But when I do, it kinda jet starts my mind and I start thinking things in different ways. In the book I'm reading which I actually started a year ago but never finished said that if you light a cigerrate and it lights halfway that means someone is thinking about you. Then it made me think of how many different people pop into my head every now and then. And how little things make me think of that person or whoever what they look like what they said what they did at the one second. And then made me realize, I probably pop into someone's mind every now and then. And it's wierd because I have no idea whose mind I'm in right now. Even a stranger, sometimes I look at random people and then later in my day or life think about what they looked like or what they wore just for the hell of it. And to think that someone probably does the same about me makes me feel naked. It's kind of an invasion of privacy. I guess I should stop that.
Reading makes me talk wierd. Like this blog I'm typing. I guess because I'm reading about another person perspectives and life and how much more their life sucks than mine or how much worse mine is makes me feel wierd. I don't feel like myself. I feel like I've been making all these little traumas the biggest moment in my life. But then again they weren't really "little traumas" Maybe I just feel wierd because I stick my eyes into these pages and start thinking and talking like them because I had been reading for so long. Even that I feel like I am that character for a moment because I can relate. But then I remember that this isn't a real person, just some made up character that some strager created and wrote down on paper.

I had a deep conversation yesterday with a friend about a topic that I really hate. She said that I try all these things to do to make me feel happy. But I'm really not happy and that everything that I've done isn't going to continue and I realized thats true. Because I'm not with my friends at dinner or at a movies still. I'm at home. Alone, feeling, not happy. So am I really happy? I don't know. I honestly dont know what I am at this moment in time. I don't cry anymore. I just, I wanna know what really being happy feels like since I'm not even sure if I've been happy all along. After all, I do make myself really extremely hyper when my life's falling apart. Did I tell you that? I do that so I don't cry in front of people. People see me like that all time. Hyper, loud. I wonder if anyone really thinks they know who I am. What I'm feeling. If they look at me and say that one girl always laughs. I wonder if anyone else laughs when their heart's are hurting. I dont know what I am. I don't know what I should do or what I should need. I don't know how to win. Am I depressed? No. Did something else happen this time? No. I'm just wondering how all these people go on living with themselves knowing what they've done to a person. Am I hurting? No. I'm just curious. But then again, curiousity killed the cat.

New.

Nothing terrible has happened in awhile, but I guess i shouldn't jinx it.
Anyways, made a tumblr. Since everyone had one just for fun I thought I should have. It's just a whatever blog. A happy blog haha
cheskababesx3.tumblr.com

Leaving for Cancun at 5 am tomorrow morning. Woo, summer

Bull

I am so done. Fucking hang myself already this is a goddamn fucking joke

Looking down

I'm really scared. I've never been so scared in my life. I have no outlet, I can't tell anybody, nobody can comfort me. When I'm walking everything shakes, my vision is a blur. There's a beating in my head bombarding my ears when its utterly quiet. I'm so helpless.
Tomorrow is when I find out if I can still get.. God, help me please. Even the computer screen is bulging out at me. I didn't think it would show really but some people have noticed actually. My dad did. That was completely awkward. I need a miracle.. Badly..
I can't even move sometimes because I'm so scared. Stupid stupid stupid I repeat to myself. So stupid. I didn't know, how was I supposed to know? It wasn't the first time. I need help, I need serious help, I'm so scared.
Just when things finally starting to go right, the most unimaginable thing has to happen to me. I need prayers, I need a miracle because that seems like the only thing that can help me at this rate.

Kapamilia

Is anyone else's family falling apart aside from mine?
I could really use a hug.

Done. Pax.

Everythings done and settled with. No more
My mind is finally at peace.

Somehow something goes wrong and still you are the only person I know that can help me. Anyone else would give me advice that probably doesn't even make sense or some bullshit like everythings gonna be okay and to cheer up. I think if my eyelids get puffy within an hour that I can't cheer up. Just last week I had a nightmare that honestly made me need you. No one else made it all go away like you. Just like right now. No one would understand really what's going on in my family right now, but you. But I won't go to you, no matter how much I need someone to understand, I despise all that you are yet you're the only person I know that understands and would know what to do in this situation. I wish I could hate you, so goddamn badly because that's all you deserve. I hate that I need you.

Closed

Sleeping, crying, hurting.
Ahaha fml.
My life sucks haha.
Nothing feels the same anymore.
I watch them laugh and smile
only cuz they got to talk to a great guy the night before
That's why. The only reason why.
I used to be happy like that too yaknow?
Laughing, truly saying Im so goddamn happy I could die from it.
Idk how you felt at the moment
Flirtatious, infatuated, smitten, obsessed, horny, desperate
But I loved him. I love him. I have real feelings for that guy.
He was my everything, my laugh, my smile, my comfort
My light in this hell.
Now its like that light just got taken away.
I can't see anything, but it hurts.
I dont know what's coming, but it hurts bad.
With one kiss.
You took him.
With whatever you felt at the moment,
Can never compare to the way I felt about him
Nor can it compare to the pain you caused.

Cheat

Every Sunday is when it hurts the most. I fucking hate it, why Sundays. Why EVERY sunday? Dammit dude what the hell why does it hurt so much. You have fun. You have her. You have glory. I have scars. I have no one. I have hell. Living hell. I noticed this before but I'll say it again, the more hyper I am, the more depressed I am. I yell I laugh I scream. All just so I don't cry at school. So I don't cry at all. All I wanted was you. I never did you wrong, never. This is what I get in return? At least stop haunting me in my dreams. In all honesty I still want you I still need you I still love you. I hate how you're done, I hate how you're gone.

I know.

I do. I just wanna know why. What did I ever do to you.

"Why? Why do you wanna do that cheska?" said someone.
"Because, I'll just keep trashing my body till it gives up. Then all the pain will be gone. I just don't wanna go through this anymore."

hopefully I o.d.
Maybe then you'll start to give a fuck. Since the cuts weren't enough. I guess I'm going crazy, at least it's all for you. Everything i ever did was for you. I love you.
I'd love to say I hate you, but I don't. I want you back. You didn't, obviously because you..
Well idk who reads this so I won't say.
Anyways, if I can't have you, I don't want anything at all.
It's just not worth it, show me what's worth all this anymore, maybe I won't use the needles but until then. Au revoir ;o
I know, I've gone crazy.

All it was

To think all I asked for, all that bothered me
was the lack if attention and affection
What relationship doesn't have that?
When we fought, we were supposed to have faith in each other
Hope that we'll make it through this mess
But how could I have hope when you gave me no love to fuel it?
You gave me none.
Instead of hope, I had doubt.
Look where we are now.
I hope this is what you wanted, maybe this is what you wanted
I wanted love, I wanted you, my love..
You wanted freedom, you wanted to be free
You couldn't find freedom in me? I couldve been your escape from everything
I couldve been your everything.
You were my everything.
Now I'm nothing
Now we're nothing.
Just a pretty memory that kills me everyday.

Hurt

I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I really don't mind dying. Death is easy, quick. Life.. And this.. Pain is just too hard, it hurts and takes too long. I really wouldn't mind dying.
Love is the most beautiful gift God has given us. So why does it also have the power to cause such excruciating pain? I guess you can't have a rose without it's thorns.
I hate talking about how I'm feeling or 'how I'm holding up' I really don't because fuck once you ask me that you better be prepared because I will cry harder than you have ever seen a person cry. I'm hurting. Badly. Now that you're gone, i feel like you took my heart with you. I'm just a walking lifeless body. I can't feel.. I hate hoping, I hate being positive like you always tried to make me be. It hurts, it all hurts. Like you said that one night, 'With every move, I die.'
I wanna go now. Like God, take me now.. I can't do this anymore.

It's over

And you don't want me back. You're already moving on.
I can honestly say I was happier in the relationship than how I am now
what have I done..
Idk how I'll get over this, this will be the hardest thing of my life
I can honestly say that too.
I don't wanna say anything more.. Even though I know you don't check this
I'm.. I'm so goddamn empty, idk what to do..

Reversed

My whole mentality.. Reversed
I can't feel anything anymore
I've lost complete sanity
life's just pointless and humiliating
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
my fingertips feel icy cold
I'm in love

1940s

That's one thing I won't forget. Your amazing taste in music. I loved it when you showed me all this amazing music I had never heard. I loved it when you left the phone you played one of your favorite songs in that playlist. Amazing.

Last night was a really long night. I kinda hoped you chose our first solution because you've continously hurt me throughout that entire conversation. It's like when I told you how I felt about you, it meant absoloutely nothing and you were just gonna rip the words out of my lips and tear my whole world down.. You were my world.. How am I supposed to go on living with the possibility of you leaving at any second..? I'm kinda a child when it comes to you but wow.. I'm not sure I can take all this, even if its over.. ;(

Easter

Went to church and then went to my grandma's apt in LA. Spilled ham juice on myself while carrying it up to the apt so I had to take my tights off and I felt kinda embarrassed in front of the ol' g'ma in a tiny black skirt. Wow ahaha. Knocked out on the couch with my brother after eating then awoke to my mom yelling about the earthquake. I wish I was awake during that, tiny earthquakes like that are kinda fun. Just tiny ones, not like homewrecking ones. No aha.
Uhm. What sucks is when you know you can get everything you want only if you come to the decision whether to take that leap of faith or not. Just last night I was already questioning myself, before the call from both of them, "why am I still doing this?" I honestly dont know, I have a beautiful picture painted right in front of me but I dont even know why I cant let it take my breath away. I'm scared to talk to anyone that I trust in this world about what's going on in my head right now because I'm afraid they'll tell me I already know what to do because I'm not that naive. I'm not that oblivious, I know whats for the greater good for myself. I dont know what I'm doing with you, I don't know what I'm waiting for. Things already feel completely different. I dont know if I'll like it when you touch me, I don't know if I'll like it when you say my name, I don't know if I still feel the same about you about me about us.. If that's not you, if everything I'm saying isn't you and you can't try to fit into my shoes and feel everything I'm feeling, then .. I guess this 'you' you say you are, isn't for me..
Happy Easter.

Weekend

I didn't notice how quiet it was in my room, in the house
till I had ripped the blasting headphones from ears
and stopped hearing, reading, crying, and wondering why
I didn't notice. It was so quiet it was almost as if the world stopped
my whole mindset stopped
I would have thought so if it weren't for the sound of cars on the busy street outside my house
I never thought I'd come to the thought of us
ending? Stopping? No, not that. The end of all love and care
and willingness to love and care. That, yes that.
I didn't speak, I didn't smile, I didn't feel. This whole day I couldn't feel
it was like every move I made was of nothingness
nothing, was my answer when someone asked how I was feeling
I felt nothing.
Maybe I did, a small abstract emotion that could not specified
due to the mixture of irritance, heartbreak, anguish, and lonelyness
Lonelyness..
Who just leaves like that..
I guess I did feel something
otherwise I wouldn't be crying..
I just don't know what's it's called
I just don't know what to say

Don't know

You don't care, you really don't huh?
I can't sleep normally, you've got me feeling miserable
I know you don't mean it
but do you really not know? You don't
I don't know exactly how to feel about this
So I'll just not feel at all.

So much

For a happy 2 months.
Barely texted
2 to 3 hour late replies
No phone call
No I love you
The end.
My phone's gone.
what makes you think its all okay..
You have no consideration for me :/
Happy 2 months.
Today's been a blast..

Jealousy

There's that senseful jealousy like the one with a perfect reason to be jealous and just that stupid plain needy jealousy. The second one, yup that's me. Actually, it's both. I try to change the story to fit the person's life in which i am venting to and I've gotten some yeah I'd be fucking pissed to some Actually I'd do that too.
We're all different people so we all look at things differently, i've come to the conclusion that, and I wish I could write this in like font size 46 but MAYBE I JUST HAVE MORE CONSIDERATION THAN YOU
sucks that I can't even tell you that this is bothering me cuz I get my phone taken away at 9 fucking 30. And who wants to fight through text or instant messaging. Fuck I wouldn't. I'd sign off. My point exactly. So i sit just here, letting that monster jealousy eat me away till I go crazy again. Oh, I forgot to include that. It's the funniest thing, I get all crazy insanely hyper well.. Not hyper, more like crazy. Yeah, that's it, crazy. Stupid crazy and I won't shut up. I realized when that happens, it's only because something really hurt me and I'm just trying to look like a badass and not care. How pathetic, but I really am quite sensitive when it comes down to it. All of this stupid act just means I really wanna cry.

Red&Gold night 1

Also night 1 w/o you :( rehearsal this morning in front of the school was fun, so was the 2 pm show. The 8 pm however not so good. For some strange reason my stomach started to hurt really bad. It still does :( so I didn't go on for finale, no jumping for me thank you very much. I hope I feel alot better by tomorrow.
Like I said, this is also night 1 without you. When I feel as sick as I do, you're the only one I wanna hear and talk to. But you're not here.. I have to wait till Sunday.. I'll just be listening to your old recordings from before to help me sleep easier..

Anyways, my eyes burn. All that makeup, eyelash glue, and glitter kills.

The last night

Before Red&Gold. I had rehearsal at my practically co captain's house this evening and wow. It was the biggest house I have ever seen. There's a whole freaking park/water park/field/bar/kitchen in the backyard with 50 ft tall trees. WTF ahaha but I seriously love my drill team. I love my captain I love red&gold. This night was so much fun and I cannot wait for tomorrow. My hair is in retarded swirls pinned to my head since I dont have a curling iron this is how I gotta do it. But makeup and hair will be fixed in the manana. I'm so siked. This is it guys, Red&Gold.

Of all days

For this to happen, today. I didn't think it'd last the entire day and night but I'm guessing it will. I tried so fucking hard to make my plan work and now that it can happen, it'd just be awkward because of today. Mother fxcker. I needa go outside.

More like a Friend without the R

I had such a terrible weekend. Everything that went in and out of my mind was printed on my brain or something and that's all I was able to think about today. Ontop of excruciating cramps, today was terrible. You're terrible. I'm not gonna become all sad about this or some bullshit like that, but to be honest, it hurts. It hurts so much, I cried so hard this time that my boyfriend actually encouraged me to keep crying. I feel bad, having to put him through my dramatic phases making him listen to sob and sob. Sigh... "it won't hurt as much in the morning" but I'm afraid I'm going to keep hurting for awhile. Even though it's not as much as last night, I'm still hurting really bad. I wish I could go to you and have you help me out here cuz we're bestfriends but I don't even know what the meaning in that is between us because you don't come to me when you need me. Sigh... Why is this happening God..?
I just want it all to stop. Please.. Just leave me alone..

Fuck You

Wow I can't fucking believe it. I've never felt so fucking stupid in my life I take it back I take every little fucking thing I said about you or how good you were fuck you I can't fucking believe it! I've never felt so fucking stupid in life I can't believe it. I had faith I actually faith in you. All the good crap I said about you in the past couple days. Maybe I was wrong I was fucking wrong. I'm never going back to that stupid ass shit. I'll never forgive you I'll never look back on you again.
I can't believe I actually had faith in you..

Easy Going

So red and gold right? For a period of time, I'm in the front row of my drill during the best parts of it too :D That sure made me happy!
I got to see Lien over the weekend too. After that whole shit happened I wasn't able to and really, it broke me apart. But I was more than happy to hang out with her again because I don't get that sense of comfort while talking about things like that with anyone else. I feel stronger when I talk about things that make me cry so hard to her. But with others, yeah. Cry Cry. I get real talk with her, real good worth my time talk. I guess that's why shes my bestfriend.
Lalala is keeping me in high spirits too. I feel bad when I have to say something that bothers me alot.. I feel bad when I feel that way in the first place because its little mistakes that aren't meant in that way but it still hurts yaknow? Hmmm... I love you forever.
The other hand. Jealousy slaps me in two different ways. I hate it. One way is not that whole 'who the eff is her?' no. no no no its never that. Plus I'm not even like that anyways. Both situations aren't like that. Anywho. I hate that I'm the only one that cares anymore. I hate that you never come to me saying I miss you. I hate it. What makes me hate it even more is that I'm the only one that cares enough to cry so goddamn hard about this.

Melodies and desires

Love is the harmony, desire is the key
love is a symphony now play it with me
I'll be the rhythm you'll be the beat
the love the shoreline the love I'll meet
the love is the shoreline, you and I will meet
love is the symphony come save some with me

I can't believe it, but this is all real.

Luxurious

Today is supah bowl sundaayayaya. This morning we all went to church and then to costco and chipotle. That was reallyyy reallyyy fun. Aside from costco being overly packed. Everyone and all their huge carts everywhere pissed me off. I don't like being in crowded places like that. Like at school in line for food, that pisses me off too. I just don't like being in packed places with all these obnoxious ass people, I hate seeing all their faces -_____- Not like dances though, I like that type of crowded like fun places where it supposed to be crowded and its dark and everyone just dgafs. I like that. Anyways, we had chipotle by my house in La Habra. We ate it outside on a table in the sun. It was reeeeally nice. I like being outside in the sun with a nice breeze right next to all these cars. That's my favorite, I absoloutely love it when it's sunny and breezy and being in those nice areas that have alot of plants and such with water fountains and friendly passerbys. I love that, that is my favorite ahaha. That made my day, especially that saturday morning was rough between my family. Oh! and at church I saw my good old friend Jesse Leo. I missed that kid sooooo much. I like that fact how I can actually call him a friend whom I trust and love because I don't have much guy friends like that considering the fact all the guys in my elementary class were feeling up on all the girls. Of course he was perverted too but he never disrespected me like that. Also, he didn't take sides when the whole shi-bang happened during the past summer. If only everyone was like that, maybe things wouldn't be so damn hard and dramatic. I was surprised how much he cares about me sometimes, I guess cuz we were once in major like with each other in the 7th grade haha. I don't think any of my guy friends now would pick me up and swing me around squeezing me because how much they missed me like ol' JL did. Wow, I love that boyyy. Never breaking that friendshipp(: Anywho after all thattt, I watched District 9 for the second time con mi hermano. He liked it ^-^ Hmmm, superbowl? Inteeeenseeee, I'm glad I watched. I'm not really a sports fan, not even my mom, brother or dad. But we still like it, not as crazy as everyone else like throwing parties and painting our faces. Overall, today was a great day. Let's not forget mi amor texting me the whole day. I love you ^-^

Today I noticed I have quite a large set of eyes for a Pacific Islander..

Raiiiin

Last night I had to go see the trischool theatre play, A Murder Is Announced for my Intermediate Drama class at school. I watched it with mi amor and it was sooo fun. That play was sooo good and I guessed everything right!(: It was raining after the play and it must have been freezing, but I wasnt. Last night was perfecttt ^-^

Red and Gold

So I got to school angry and not in the mood but after finding out that I got on Gold Drill, I got overly excited. Even more when they showed us the drills. There was only one good drill, ONE. I rushed myself to Michelle's sign up list and wow girls were like shoving and shoving. I wrote my name but fuck I got on a different drill. When Michelle finished sorting out girls on each team with the other drill captains, my heart was beating faster than ever and when she finished reading the names off the list, it stopped. The other drills suck, I'm sorry but wow. I wanted to switch to dance but theres no way I can. I'm trying to think about my drill routine and its not that bad but my captain doesn't even know what shes doing. Then I start thinking about Michelle's and I feel like shooting myself because I wanted that drill more than ever. Let's not forget that all my friends are on red or choral and my drill team is swamped with freshman that look like boys. I have one actual friend on that team and shes a junior. At least I have her.
Trying to be optimistic here, really trying.

Breathing Fire

Today in religion class we finished watching Henry Poole is Here. We always watch the best movies in that class. I cried, omg that movie is beautiful. I was tired for the entire day today, like really really tired. Surprisingly I'm not asleep right now but after going through my significant other's ex's homecoming pictures haha. That was a great laugh. After school today I took a huge keef toke out of the Roor. I'm not sure if thats how you spell keef but wow, I got efffeeeed up. Made me even more tired -____- Ay Caramba.
Tomorrow is Red&Gold kick off. I'm not that excited probably because I was on an offstage category last year. If I get offstage again, wooooow. I'd just completely hate Red&Gold :p I guess I'll just have to wait. I just want this week to be over already.

January 26, 2010

Was my bestfriend's birthday. Ignoring my phobia of ovens, I made that bitch a cake. Everyone loved it I felt very very content with myself considering the fact that that was the first time I had baked a cake and the first time I had baked alone(: I was happy I was the only one that made her something because on my birthday, wow ahaha I had batch of cupcakes and two cakes. Too much ahaha it's nice to have just one piece of pastry for a day x] anyways, happy 16th Tiffany(:
Anyways, I had a great surprising end of the day but for my own privacy, I'll keep that to myself. Today is the best day I've had for awhile. It's nothing so great to any passerby but what's been going on lately it means the world to me.

Stuck

I like going to starbucks because they serve good shtuff and its always interesting to see all the different ways they spell my name. Gold star if they spell it right cuz my name is spelled wrong. Now this lady actually spelled it as how its always heard wrong. Fran Jessica. Wow was all I had to say.
Last week I watched Paper Heart with my dad. We loved it ahaha such a cute movie. Makes me want to meet Michael Cera more and more. I want to rob that boy of his innocence. Today I watched My Sister's Keeper. What a sad sad movie, I cried alot but I knew my crying was prolonged because of the movie. I've been needing to cry but I just feel more and more pathetic and weak everytime. And thats the last thing I want to be seen as. I've been waiting for you. Since yesterday. It's 7 pm. I'll be gone in 3 hours till tomorrow. Waiting waiting waiting.I don't want to wait anymore, I'm sorry I think you don't understand.
I guess this is how I'll have to adapt to this because this is gonna stay like this for however long. I'm already beginning not to try anymore.
All I asked was for a call..

Impossible

No matter what I do, no matter what people say, no matter how I feel in the daytime doesn't change anything about how I feel at night. Night's without you are killing me slowly and I may sound pretty damn pathetic because I have you in daylight but maybe you just dont understand. I'm hurting almost everynight.
I had a perfectly wonderful day today. Finals are over and all my friends came here and we had a great time. I laughed really hard, I got faded, and we recorded songs. Pretty fun friday right? I feel like my insides are being torn apart and its never ending. I can't keep doing this, this is so goddamn painful and hard. It wasn't even anything like they think it is. Not even fucking close to what they think, they know absoloutely nothing about me, about us. Wow I sound like a pathetic whiny ass annoying fucking cunt.
I think I'm bipolar.
Nothing anyone says or does will ever change this. I will never forgive you for this, even if it seemed to be my fault. I will hold this in my heart till it stops beating. You don't know how much this is killing me inside and the best part is, you don't even care. I'll never forgive you, never never forgive you. You don't know how much excrutiating pain you cause, you don't know. You don't know anything.

Finals Week

I feel good about everything BUT the grammar portion of my english final and my entire religion final in which I know I completely failed. Everything else, gott iiiiit :D
I'm kinda excited for my geometry final. Geometry is kinda fun if you know what you're doing.

Anyways, I'm on a constant bipolar swing everyday. I hate nighttime <|3 I limited to what I can say and do and feel.

Class

So I'm in my religion class right now on an awkward schedule not doing anything. I guess I could blog right here on my itouch.
I would say things are better but it's only getting worse. I hate going home but I hate going to school. I can't keep abiding by these rules you've set down for me. It's torture. I really can't keep doing this, I guess I'm pathetic.

I havnt started studying for finals yet and that shits next week. I really should start preparing or else I'm gonna live in that house that straps me down from everything that makes me happy. It's nothing rebellious or anything it's just, really .. What's the goddamn problem?
I'm not a disgrace, it's not shameful, I'm exactly like you.
This isn't my fault was it?

Necessity

"I love you and I will love you."

Boats and birds

I take it back but I'm still not okay. Of course not, you get a scar across your face and soul after all this type of stuff. I can't breathe, I'm gasping for air everytime I'm alone because I feel entirely alone, I never thought one could loose all hope and faith so instantly. I hope, I'm hoping, on my knees praying that one day this will happen. I have reassurance but still, away from you? How? Everything to me how could one go on like this? I don't want to seem irrational or immature or just another stupid naive teenager who thinks that they know everything. Because I'm not. I'm responsible, smart and I know what's right and sometimes what's wrong is what's best. What I know is what makes us wanting more and more after every goddamn slash at your soul, it's got to be something of importance or meaning. At least a reasonable reason behind the action.
I'll wait as long as I have to. I'm not going to give up, I'm not going to move on. I won't let you slip away.

Cut cut cut

Funny how you think everything's fine and you get the seams of your smile ripped off your goddamn face.
I feel nothing, I've lost hope before but I've lost all faith in everything. Why would do people kill themselves huh? Because there's something better after? Yeah. No. I don't think so, nothing's worth that, nothing's worth anything anymore.
Catholic girls school. Haha what the fuck do I do now?

Inhale Exhale

Last night I had my friends Ashley Amber and Angela come over for fun/hw packets/health project. Wow I just noticed all of their names start with an A haha Anywhoo, that was a looooooooooad of fun. Angela left latest which was chill, she left at like late 11 so that was good. I hope that video comes out well, shooting scenes with my brother and his girlfriend were priceless.
Ima keep tonight on a hush though. What I will say was that it was absoloutely wonderful<3
Wow, things are clearing up. Oh, finals dont kill this for me x[

Untitled

I know shit's supposed to happen but when is it supposed to stop? =/

Verging on

I'm constantly get my phone taken away now. That's my fault though I guess, I'm doing this blog on my itouch right now. Whaaack shit yo. I've been so stressed and school's not even until another 7 hours. I wanna go back to last week, how I felt last week, what I wanted what I was saying last week. I wanna go back to that, completely. I havnt cried since that one awful awful night but I won't even get on that topic. That was a long night of blood and tears. Literally. Anyways, I feel like I have to cry now. But I Keep holding it in because idk crying feels stupid to me, I feel so pathetic and weak. It's getting worse though, if one bad thing happens, being yelled at or getting angry at, I might cry. I get that gross choke feeling in my throat. I hate that, I hate crying, goddamn I just want things to go back to normal. Please..
I need some type of inspiration or sense of hope. Idk what's wrong with me anymore, I can't I won't even try because I don't want to consider the reasons and oconsequences or possibilities.

"Life sucks, then we die."