Little creatures

Have you ever listened to a song that makes you feel infinite? Or like you can fly or just escaped all the problems in the world for just 4 mins and 47 sec?
Today, I experienced that.
I probably sound kinda gay by saying that but that's how I felt when I listened to Track 04 from the dubb cd that my brother let me listen to. Usually dubbstep is like all those waaaaah wuaah noises but this certain song wasn't all like that. Don't get me wrong, I like dubbstep but this song just had an effect on me.
Yesterday while driving home from Alix's house, my brother and I were listening to this one song I do not know the name of, round 6:45 pm. The sunset, wow. The sun was a bright red orange and the clouds were like paint streaks in the sky. It was amazing and with the song playing I was mesmerized. I didn't know such little things can have such great meanings. I don't mean to sound like a completely amatuer wannabe poet but really, it was amazing.

I've been so unsure of myself lately and I think I might have my feet on solid ground now. I have to start looking out for one of my friends rather than whining about my own problems. Because I know how to handle mine, but she doesn't. How could I have been so selfish?
I love you Lim.

This week is finally ending and I couldn't be any more happier. I just wish my grades were better even though its only two subjects, I still want to have freedom. Especially that I've been re-connecting with old friends.

Irrelevant

Too much stuff happened lately for just one weekend. & on top of that, this whole week is like piled with tests and quizzes. I am so behind on my work, not doing work this weekend really put me behind schedule. Oh siiigh, I think I'm just trying to make up reasons to say why my life sucks.
Well actually, its not as bad as before or maybe I'm just used to such huge crap being dropped on my head that all this stupid bullshit I'm getting right now, doesn't even seem like much. I'm so sick of this already, I just don't wanna wake up anymore, nothings worth it really.

I'm busy every weekend till the last week of october I think, just like one day for every weekend. I want first semester to end because I realized I have no favorite classes or teachers. Last year my favorite teacher was Mrs. Tunstill, sad to say that I have no favored teachers or classes this year.

I just wanna say, fuck you. Don't think you're slick or whatever. I know exactly what the fuck you're doing.

So, now what?

Last night I went to the Pius festival in Buena Park. Already got there feeling like I was going to throw up because I was nervous I guess you can say. Not ready at all. People always say, becareful what you wish for and I should have kept that in mind.

So I'm happy we talked, it's actually what I wanted to happen and it did. Casual conversation for about 40 mins and then that was it. Don't know when it will happen again, but if it ever does, I'm all for it. I'm not happy nor am I angry, It just felt nice. What we talked about was nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to be shocked about, it was a normal conversation. I wish we could keep this up, but then that would make me selfish.

What happened, was out of my control. I don't even know how to react to that, I'm just one word flat out; confused. With all 500000000000% of its meaning.

Other than these "out of the ordinary events" [events, hehe >,<] the night was good. I had fun, not as much as I expected but I enjoyed myself. Next week, rosary day aka DISNEYLAND. I am so ready.

Living

Silverlining

So that book I recently bought called "13 Reasons Why" is pretty intense. Im already half way done but I wouldn't be if you had called so we both win.
The only thing that bugs me is that alot of people are reading the book. I really don't like things that a shitload of other people are into, like Paramore. Wow, isn't that shit on Kidz Bop now? Don't you hate it when things get overplayed or outdated when you were on of the first people who knew about it?
Eh, whatever. It's just a book, a really interesting one. It kinda makes me want to kill myself -___- I mean I've said it so much already I should just do it right? "you're all talk and no actions" Well, I can follow up with my words if you keep pushing me to say more. Keep pushing me even then, you might get what you want; me to shut up.

I stayed up reading last night and I fell asleep after calling you again. With all my lights on and the clothes I wore to dinner that night with eyeliner still on. I hate waking up in the early morning and having to get up to turn off the lights or pee.


All this time that I've been given to use by myself really makes me think. When you're not here, I wish someone else was.
Let those words sink in and try to understand what I'm saying here.

I'll just brace myself for what will happen, or won't happen. Either way, it changes nothing, just like those words you've been spitting.

You Vultures!

I have procrastinated so much lately. I need to edit my character analyzation for english because I hate my storyline. Sounds too dramatic that it sounds straight up stupid. Pissed me off actually because it makes me look pathetic and stupid -__-

I bought a book today at Barnes & Noble. I love the smell of bookstores, I know that sounds wierd but I love it almost as much as I love running through the bread aisle at Albertsons. Last night I went to Cerritos Town Center with one of my bestfriends. We fucked around in Borders and layed down in the kids reading section.
Anyways, today I went to Barnes & Noble with my dad in fullerton. He bought this Michael Jackson video of one of his concerts and I thought why not buy "13 Reasons Why" since everyone recommends it. I would like to read about how someones life sucked so much that it drove them to suicide. Makes me feel better about the way my lifes going.

I like going to school. I dont like getting up for it but I like it because I feel happy and occupied. Unlike here at home where I get the chance to think about things and end up trying to drown myself for the billionth time.
I never realized it but I'm soo damn vulnerable to cry now. Sooo pathetic but I think I'm getting more sensitive everytime. Or maybe I finally have someone to talk to about this. I'm starting to feel less alone now but I'm continously crying, it sucks. And I feel like an idiot everytime.
Whatever, tomorrow I'll have my cigs. It'll be better soon, but for now this is how I choose to cope.

GSA

After school Maryanne came over and we had some fun. Then my neighbor Lien came over and we watched a replay of the VMA's while eating Mac N' Cheese. Lady Gaga's performance was creepy, she's straightup wierd, like really. Really, wth ?

how fucking sexy is that?


I look like a blob of lard. Maryanne's cute in my shirts


After she left, Lien and I snuck out of my house and walked to BobaYa! which was packed to the max because it was the last day of $1 boba. I have never jaywalked a wide busy street before and I know its not that great but I had such an adrenaline rush running across the street x]



So one of my friendships ended at the beginning of summer and im so happy that we're friends again. I'm also glad that she has shared a secret with me that we both can laugh about x]

good times <3

Shoreline

After school I went to Jack in the Box with Mike and Alix who were amazingly high and ended up buying 14 tacos in all.
We went to Fullerton library in which I have never been to. We did a little bit of work and planned to get me out of school early tomorrow but because I wanna do comedy sportz and bring Maryanne, that's not happening :[
We drove like across the parking lot, dropped Alix off and then went home.
My family and I went to this fancy Vietnamese restaurant and after we ate we talked about schitzofrenia or however you spell that word haha.

I hope I can do comedy sportz.. :/

I want something exciting to happen. I want to meet new people, people of my orientation... I'm desperate HA

We look like dead bodies

Girlfriend

^That song is soo good, omg.

Im going to join Comedy Sportz at my school which is like a bunch of Improv I think. I've been really wanting to do it but I didn't wanna do it alone. Like I would've cried if no one I knew wasn't doing it but luckily I found someone who is so IM REALLY EXCITED. You have nooooo ideaaa how excited I am for this x]
Now it's all up to my parents to let me join D; Now if they say no, I would cry HAHA HOW FUCKING PATHETIC LOL But really, I would cry. I really want to do Comedy Sportz sooooo badly D; So hopefully I can get a ride to Servite tomorrow and get the form so I can bring it to the audition on Friday.

SUUUUUUUUUUUPER EXCITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED :DDD


I'm Ugly.. and Bored! x]

I do not wear eyeliner to school, grossssss x]

Gross

Nothing great has happened actually.
I've been getting all my work done with school so I guess thats good.

Today I went out to eat at this really good Tofu House in Buena Park by my house. We met up with my favorite favorite favorite aunt ever. It's funny cuz technically shes not even blood. She's my grandma's bestfriends since highschool and seems as if she still is in high school. Shes pretty chill which is why she's my favorite :D
I talked to her son more than I usually do and that was fun because we always meet up and I'm just bored sitting there.

Eh, life's not that great. Just waiting for something amazing to happen.

Can I Say Something?

Welcome Back dance was not that great, well it's not what I expected.
Seeing your friend rub up on a guy that you like sucks.
I wouldn't even say I liked him anyways, I guess I'm just fond of him.
The only thing that bugs, is that she knew. I dont care that she danced with him
I really don't, cuz I really don't actually like the guy.
Just the fact that it seemed like I did, and she knew.
Just the fact that she knew when I actually did, but she didn't care.

Whatever. I'm allergic to boys anyways. Seriously.

Anyways.. I miss him. I probably shouldn't. Crap why did I even type that. I got home and I realized what actually matters, or is that even what actually matters? I don't know anymore, I'm so indecisive lately I should just shut up.

Thing is, I actually deep down, I know exactly what I want. I'm just trying to look past the beauty of what would be. Because some good things just don't last.


I've noticed that I am happy at school. Like really happy, like enjoying my damn life happy. But when I get home I'm so damn miserable. It's not even the enviroment here or anything. Everything is just fine, I just get angry so easily at everything.
I've also lost my appetite. I never have the need to eat anymore. I got up yesterday to go help my mom in the kitchen and everything went black but my eyes were wide open. My parents said its because I'm not eating.

Staying here just slashes on another damn pink line underneath my bracelets. I don't even know why I do it anymore. Just cause.

Let Downs.

Today was whatever. Kinda gross actually.
I was supposed to officially marry Madison today but that didn't work out.
I actually learned in geometry today and Ana tutored me at lunch. I was supposed to go to Acacia again with my FLGF. I really would've enjoyed that because last night was purely stupid. Didn't go to Acacia so I just lit one in my backyard by myself. I felt gross after I ate food. I felt like I was faded and had the munchies, but I didn't. Then felt I REALLY REALLY sick. I really thought I was gonna throw up all over the couch, but thankfully I didn't.

I miss this one alot. I'm glad she came over.

Television.

I'm under a time limit so I'm going to cut this short.

So yesterday, today AND tomorrow are premieres of television shows that I have been waiting for.
I saw 90210 yesterday and it was AMAZING. Suspensful as always, I have dedicated myself to that show since last year. Just earlier I watched Glee for the first time and it was absoloutely AMAZING. I noticed that I can deal with anyone if they can sing. Like I don't care about looks in general but if I mean if you were ass ugly but you could sing like the teacher from glee, I would be horny like ALL THE TIME. Idk what has come over me o__O Really good singers REALLY get to me XD
And tomorrow is the premiere of Vampire Diaries. I know, I know it's all about True Blood. Even my mom commits to watching that every sunday with my brother. The only reason I'm watching it, is because Mia from Degrassi is in it. And I LOVE Degrassiiiii!!! I'm also waiting for the new episodes to come out, although they havn't said when exactly.

I find this odd because I never watched tv but Degrassi and even then I just watched it whenever it was on. Maybe because I have nothing left to do with my live but tv and this over at Acacia Park VVV

FLGF

Acacia Strain

PMSPMSPMS

Ohh the many things that can tick me off so easily. Funny thing is, it only happens at home. If I could keep this laptop in my room, I'd lock myself in there till the next morning where I would have to go to school. I wouldn't even have to eat unless forced against my will. Doesn't matter anyways, I havn't had much of an appetite lately.
Im hoping it's just pms, not anything along the lines of being bi-polar D:

Today school went by very fast. I got to school late due to my mother taking the longest time this morning. I had to print my mini essay for english before class and it was first perio. When I got to school, I had 5 mins and the shit didn't even print because I typed it on a vista laptop -____- Thankfully, I have the greatest english teacher and she said I could turn it in tomorrow.
Spanish was the greatest. Spanish is always the greatest haha fuck. I always have fun in that class and I was prepared for the mexican geography pre-quiz game thing. I was OWNING.
After school, I hung out upstairs with Tiffany and Danielle for a bit and went downstairs. Maddy was very helpful when I went down there. I still do not know how she has what was in her purse today, but it all came handy with me since Tiffany puffs some nasty shit x]
Tiffany and I walked to Acacia Park and vented, ate, chilled, and the ordinary.. Under the shade. It was nice, especially with all thats been going on that is exactly what I needed.

Shivers

I guess I should not have complained so much about how my life sucks.
Everything was going alright after those three days of agony. I was praised by my spanish teacher, comp&design was getting better because Rebecca and I started talking more, my family was all in good relations, my friends and I were good, and in one of my blogs my love life was good.

I should not have complained.
Whywhywhywhywhywhy.

Please dont go, dont go, dont go. Please, just, go. <|3
I can feel nothing at all.

Inspired*

A friend once told me something pretty horrible I didn't want to believe about myself. And I think I've proved her wrong. Although it has applied to someone else.

Twice now. twice..


"I'm trying to, for your sake. But there's really nothing to prove me wrong."
"You're not even giving me any reason to."
A Good Friend.

"So why would I anyways? You're not giving me any reason to. So what would be the point anyways?"

If only we all had a reason why or to. If there was even a point within the actions we commit.

"Taken as I should feel, but I can't feel anything at all"
I'm numb, I can hardly type. I'm just going to stop now.

I had it the whole time.

Ohh Man

I have NOT had the chance to write in my blog for forevuuur!!!

Anyways I guess I'll start with Friday? Friday was the big sister little sister lunch. It was pretty fun because I love my sister. Everyone's all like "My sister hates me, my sister doesn't even know who I am, vice versa" Well I love AV<3 Good thing we bumped into each other at first break cuz then she wouldn't have been able to offer me help in geometry. After we ate, we went up to Gavin's room and she helped me before me test =] What a great sister riiight? I'll really miss her once she graduates and goes to YALE! <333 D:

In my previous blog, I wasn't so sure if everything was okay between one of my friends and I. This is was on thursday and before I left she confronted me and omg I'm just glad it's over. Like I said, I really don't like being mad at my friends, especially to those who are close to me :[

ANYWAYS Friday.. I've been sick since last freaking week and for some reason my voice had completely changed. It got deeper and RASPY like not even just raspy. I'm talkin about RASPY. I couldn't sing obnoxiously, I couldn't yell hellos, I couldn't get someone's attention in the hallyways, I couldn't even LAUGH! And I laugh alot! D: All that would come out was air and a faint noise no one could even make out. Everyone in my family is sick but I was the deadliest. I wanted to miss school but I had three fucking tests and I didn't want to make up all the work. After school my dad took me to the hospital and they made me wear that mask that covers your mouth. The nurse lady prescribed me FOUR prescriptions. Hospital got me pretty drugged up haha. My voice is getting better. It's starting to sound like a girl's voice now but I kinda like the raspy touch. I don't want my old voice back haha.


That night we left for vegas. I slept before we even got into brea. I was so tired, I mean I was on four medications haha. I woke up before we got on the freeway because we got Carls Jr. After that, I knocked out and I woke up here in Vegas. We're staying Bally's and it's so much better than bullshit hotel we stayed in last time. Saturday I went $HOPPING(: We went to the outlet and I got two shirts at Bebe because I spent the entire time helping my brother find some pants. We got him a a pair at American Apparel and OH MY GOSH. There was this employee there that looked EXACTLY, IM SAYING EXACTLY like MARCO from DEGRASSI. I was like OMGOMGOMGOMG. Well, just a little less gay WHICH IS ALL GOOD WITH ME ! I was waiting by the fitting room while my brother tried on the pants. There were this metallic windbreaker that was a baby seagreen. I wanted it really badly but as Aa is, EXPENSIVE D; When I was putting them on for fun, "Marco" was making his way back to the stock room and when he passed me he lifted his chin up and shot a huge smile and it was so cute! I laughed and said hi x] SOOO CUTE OMG. DRY HUMP THAT SHIT IN THE STOCK ROOM MA NGA .
Anyways haha I wanted to get this one dress there but my mom said it was overpriced, and it was :[ So then we went back to the hotel.
Into the nighttime my drunk brother and I went to Miracle Shops in Planet Hollywood. Without Maryanne :[ Sadly her mom didn't let her out because it was "late" -,- I spent forever in Urban Outifitters trying to find something nice at a reasonable price. No luck -___- There were these oxfords that I wanted sooo badly! 48 fucking dollars. It's okay though, hopefully my parents will let me go to Uptown whittier tomorrow with Adrienne and I'll just get em there. I wanted to buy a metallic silver fanny pack at American Apparel but I had no more money :[ The employees were all gay and so nice. There was a tank top there that had gay written all over it and in the middle it said LEGALIZE GAY. I wanted it tee-hee x] The most dumbest thing happened to me there but that story is way too long. We went back to the hotel and my dad drove us to Mcdonalds because our feet hurt. We ate and then slept.
And now, todaay. This morning I woke up to my mother being anxious and hyper. So I went with her and my dad to MGM for some food and walked back to Planet Hollywood to look at the cheaper shoes. No size :[ God won't cut me any slack D; Now I'm back in the hotel room, waiting for the time that we go home. If only I was rich, I would have bought so much from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel.. Sigh... :[
This was from yesterday. The bed that soothed my aching body xD.

Drag Queen

Today was TERRIBLE!
Yesterday too!

Just for Chronological order, I'll start with yesterday.
So one of my BESTfriends only has one class with me. We did not have that class so we hardly saw each other yesterday! The only time we actually got to talk was lunch and that wasn't really even anything. But I was happy that we got to chill just us after school even for a little. I don't like being so seperated from her, it's like I'm walking naked through the hallways. We're not even anywhere close to each other in spanish :[[ But, it was only one day. I glue myself to her within every chance I get. I didn't like that day, it was already starting. But I am NOT letting it happen Dx I don't like loosing people. That's all that has happened during summer. But this girl a true non bullshit bestfriend. I just can't loose this one

And TODAAY, Ohhh mah gah, THE WORST.
First of all one of my friends left Rosary today and it was her last day. Not only is she moving schools, she movin aaaaall the way to San Diego. It's like WTF @_@
Ima miss her to be honest, I really would.

Second, had a little fit with my other friend. :'( I really hated that because I was so angry and in the end when she confronted me and everything was settled, before I could even say okay I felt that gross hot choke like feeling rise up my neck. So I just shut my eyes so I didn't look like an idiot and just hugged her for forever. I hate fighting with my friends. It's not nice :[ I don't like getting angry at my friends either, deep down, I'm not even angry, I'm really sad. Anyways everything is all settled now.. At least I think so.. I still feel that something's up but she says there's nothing so I'm tryna trust her on that :/

AND THIRD, the most biggest fight I have ever had with my brother. I wouldn't even say it was a fight, there was just so much hate, and anger thrown back in forth.
And I hate it when you're so angry that you cry. It's like wow, I'm weak and pathetic -___- Or maybe I'm just really hormonal cuz I have been reacting strangely lately..
ANYWAYS so eventually my brother came in and apologized amazingly and we hugged longer than we ever have before. He helped me understand my geometry homework and everything is back to normal.

How tiring. I wish I just didn't wake up today and just woke up next week or something. Siigh, at least everything is good now. Well 2/3.. :/

:D

Really? Really, now.

I'm such an exception. Literally hahaha

I can sound completely idiotic especially coming from someone of my age but.. OH MY GOSH. Like really, REALLY ... Siigh, fuck man I don't even know.
I can't talk to anyone else about stuff like this but you. You're the only guy that I can actually be myself around and the good thing about that is that you accept me for everything I am. Good or Bad. AND you understand me.

Soo.. music right? BIG turn on. It's an imediate YES for someone of interest. You're showing me music I have never heard of and songs that I do know, well we sing it together haha. I get so lost in everything that you are when you sing to me. Sure you say you're not that great, but your voice is just so appealing to me. Everything about you actually. You can serenade me with the most ridiculous songs(i.e. Wow I Can Get Sexual Too) and I would still end up dazed beyond compare. Crazy, I know but I can't control it. I guess you just have that affect on me. ;]
It is currently 2:46 AM right now, and I really don't mind considering the fact that I have to get up at 6:30 AM for school. I can talk to you for hours and never get bored.


You fill me up with such odd sensation I really don't even know if that's the right way to put it but EHH.. I probably really do take you for granted sometimes and I'm sorry for that. I really have never met anyone like you, cheesy, corny, call it whatever but I'm in love with this boy. None of the words I have just typed actually describe how I feel when you talk to me. Your voice and your words are like a permanent song stuck on replay in my head.

I could type more, but I'm just going to end up rambling on words such as "like" on and on because I honestly really can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

Writing.

So if you ever really want to read a good read haha PLEASE PLEASE
matthewpavon.blogspot.com
Thiiis boy really has way with words. Not exaggerating at all, or anything with the fact that I love him. But I envy him because the way that he writes.


So today was an official day of school. && I had the greatest spanish class ever. I love my row: Tiffany S, Maddy S, ME, and Kelly WOO!
Greatest fucking class ever.
F: DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP GOING DON'T GIVE UUP!!!
K: CHESKA.. ITS OVER..
F: NOOO!
HAHAHAHAHA GREATEST .

So I hate my first period. I hate being the only sophomore in that stupid class. At first I was sitting alone at a huge fucking table that can sit 5 people. Thankfully a nice junior came and sat next to me. She really is nice, it's just a bit awkward because I mean c'mon I feel so small, everyone's a Junior or a Senior! -.-
ANYWAYS that class is ass.

After school today Tiffany and I walked down to Acacia Park to alsdhfaskuedjgbla; until people came. Who the heeeeell goes to Acaia freaking Park?
F: Don't put it out there! This is a fucking playground man!
T: Well there's one right there anyways-- and here-- WTF THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

I love this girl, saved my ass today.
Working under pressure..NOT COOL MAN, NOT COOL.