Save Your Scissors

That song makes me cry ^^ D: So does, Slow Motion D;
ahaha ohh boy
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So I've been thinking alot lately and stubbing on some new goals I have onto my wall and well, most of it's working out. I always went by what my brother told me, don't give a fuck about others, do whatever you want while you can, life's short.
But all that led me to was, well I took that to the extreme, haha NOT GOOD x] Kinda made me reckless, careless about my actions, and selfish. And this time when I say I'm going to change, I mean it, truly from the core of my body

With all the choices I've been making, things are turning around. I'm not getting excited though because something might come crashing down on me again. But I'm slowly finding myself and who I really am, not what other people created me to be or from how I wanted to fit in. I'm taking all the things my best friend told me to do, into consideration and action. She was right, she always is. And that's not a good thing either though because I've found out a very scary thing that I most definitely don't want to believe but it is true. But I can deal, I'll get over it soon hopefully :]


Thanks to Maryanne I finally have a wider variety of Indie artists that I can listen to. The perfect boy for me is the one that can show me some good music, but there is no boy there was Maryanne. Too bad she turned down my gay proposal though :[

Oh! I've decided to become an amatuer photographer, so I'm trying to take more pictures and such. Not much on my flickr are actual photography things, only "Cardigan Weather" and "Lacrosse" and Danielle's photoshoot pics are. Go see if you're bored :)
http://flickr.com/photos/souslesfluers
it means beneath the flowers in french ;]


I want to take pictures like this

Liferuiner

Its Exactly 2:57 AM and I can't sleep. Something's bothering me and I've been sitting here trying to figure out what is but I can't seem to find out. I think I'm just going to lay in bed and pretend to sleep so maybe I'll trick myself into thinking I am, just like how I'm doing with tricking myself into thinking I'm perfectly fine.

Gah, what's wrong with me? Seriously.. Even I can honestly say I don't know what is but this feeling is the worst feeling I have ever felt.. And it's not going away..

Going back to it was probably the biggest mistake I could make. Now I feel like I have nothing left to do but that.
I don't want to talk to you because I wanna be happy or not because I want help or some kind of comforting words. I just want someone to understand me and listen..
Not tell me the same exact bullshit like everyone else.

They're just empty words with empty meanings.

Lipstick & Smoke

Self: Did you ever doubt me when I said I was?
Anonymous: Everytime.

But what's truth?
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I want someone to take me through a great experience of something. I don't know, a show, a rave, or even just a place where we could just sit and I'd be so speechless to speak. I want someone to make me speechless by just taking me out to see something. Even driving out to the middle of nowhere at 3 am would be perfect.

I've been dreaming of these things lately, I want it to come true :[

I hope you read this

I know, that was fucked up. I didn't do it because of my own carelessness or bitchiness, I didn't okay? That entire time of June that we were together, I was lying, I'm sorry but I was. I didn't feel the same at all. The I love you's were lies. Which is why in the end we broke up, she told me better end it now rather than keep lying to him and forcing yourself to actually love him. I still tried..

I shouldn't have, I know. I kept telling myself throughout that deep conversation I had with him that I had you. And I couldn't do anything no matter how much I was being attracted to him. I had you.

I talked to him about us. I complained to him about us, I needed someone to listen to me, not tell me the same shit, break up with him. Yeah, everyone said that okay? But I still stuck with you trying to make it work. Please, I'm not a bad person. I made a mistake.. Count all the days we fought for those 7 months we were together, almost everyday, consider the things you said towards the shit you got mad at me for. I treated you wrong..?

I didn't care at all anymore, I had no feelings at all anymore, I was waiting for the right time to do it. But idk, something held me back I still don't know what it was but something did hold me back. But the only thing the cheating did, was make me realize all of this. I could have something better, someone who doesn't talk to me like I'm shit. What kind of boyfriend talks to their girlfriend the way you did to me..? I didn't love you anymore. Not because of him, but because of the way you treated me everyday of those 7 months. People looked down on our relationship, but I still stood up for you, stood up for us when they were right and I was wrong. I was so wrong..

I'm not proud, oh God I am not proud. But I didn't feel guilty in a way that you think I should be. I'm guilty because it was wrong and unjust to you. Not because it was cheating.

Okay, she told you I treated you wrong. But how? How did I? I gave you everything and more. I tried so hard to see you sometimes, I paid my brother to drive me, so close to getting caught by my parents when I go out. All for you. You were my everything so I did all I could just to see you. What did I do wrong then?


Right now, I can honestly say, I would rather be with you still and get yelled at almost everyday for about 8 months and more, cry every night for every single day of the relationship, get threatened, be demanded sexual actions..
rather having you take away everything.. You took her too, what more can you do to ruin me? I'm ready for more, just keep 'em coming..


Don't worry, the things you weren't supposed to tell me, I'll keep them to myself, for your sake of having a friend, and for her reputation. I won't tell, no matter how much you've hurt me in and out of our relationship. I still consider your feelings.




You have them all, you lost me but you gained all three of them.
This totally, completely, and utterly fair.

P.M.S

This weather just makes it worse -__-
Well, my phone's been disabled since last week, but the good thing is that it's gonna start working thursday night :D

School today was soo fun, because of Brittany I laughed starting at first break all the way through to almost the beginning of second break xD I laughed so hard I cried and I was fucking sweating x] Buut, the work's getting harder. I had alot of homework today and I just finished now, actually I didn't even bother finishing cuh it was so much. I didn't even use the phone today, well I talked to Phillip for like 5 mins but thaaats it :[

Top all thiiis, I'm on my woman times dammit and there's a possibility everyone's going to the beach after school friday D:

Began with 3 letters, might as well end it with 3 letters

F.M.L. :]

The Greatest Lie

I'm so vulnerable to break down at any given moment.
It kind of pisses me off that I start choking up when
One thing from the past comes to mind and leads me straight to you.

I could care less about this, I really could..
Of all people.. you. Why did it have to be you, again?

So desparate for help, for some kind of comfort I found myself asking questions crying to my dad. Really? Am I seriously that alone that I go to my dad for this?
How FUCKING pathetic. I can't even believe myself. There's no point in "It's not right" cuz I can't even tell the difference between the outcome of either sitaution.

Hey ate, just like last summer right? Slitting to the fact of your abandonment. The story just keeps repeating itself over and over again doesn't it?

Cloudy thoughts & conclusions

I think I have a short temper, I'm not suree..

Yesterday was the scariest day ever, never doing that again MOST DEFINITELY
Sooo fucked up, trippin balls the rest of the day my niggaa

Anyways, I've changed my work habits but not talking at all, and Well I'm doing better than i thought I ever could with math. Havn't been socializing though :P What a freak but whatever. I'm there for school anyways.

I think I'm loosing you, I'm not suree
I wish my phone worked, it'd make alot easier for me. I think I just need to stay away from everything. I keep forcing things onto myself to make me feel okay but honestly, I havn't been at all, that probably makes me seem stupid cuz my blogs have been blabbing on and on about all this good stuff. Those didn't last -__-

I'm not okay :'(

I've Got A Pocketful

This weekend was really fun for me. It really like gave me some high hopes for the rest of summer. Friday was just school, but then I talked to this kid in my class named Anthony and he seemed super nice. His eyes really shocked me, they were like friggin liquid emerald/forest green. I commented on them and he told me about how he had glasses like Edna Mod from the incredibles to contacts that make him loose points in a basketball game. Made me feel sociable rather than a wierd and anti-social asian girl in the classroom.
The rest of friday was filled with sweat and depression, I couldn't go to the beach the next day. But then I was offered to go to Knott's by Christine. She said she'd pay for me so I said eh why not, still not super excited. But then Matt's parents offered to take me and so much anxiety filled me throughout the night and Saturday morning. God answered my prayers and let me go haha.

Matthew picked me up and met my parents, and his parents and mine met which is good because now I can mention his name to my parents without them exploding with angry curiosity. I met Claudine who is really nice :]
In the car I sat inbetween Matt and Zakk and there was not one moment where i felt like falling asleep. Pretty interesting people haha. His mom busted out the baby pictures while we were in traffic x] Cute cute pictures haha ;]
When we got there Matthew and I went to the water and we spent like forever in there and we ended up half a mile away from tower 11. But it was sooo worth it. I had so much fun. After that Matthew and I laid down with Alyssa and Claudine for forever haha. Went to get ice cream with the two girls and then went back in the water with Matthew, Alyssa, Claudine, Zakk, and Ponchito Sexyman whom i found out that his real name is Josh. We got swallowed by massive waves and I literally got raped by them. Going to a nude beach next time fa'sho. Bikini's are pointless when the waves just knock them right off and expose my fun size woman features
This was the first time I've been to the beach this year and it was soo much fun. The two of us hardly had any intimacy but fuck, we had the greatest time. Finally something good is turning out well this summer, hopefully I get a good grade on my Algebra test tomorrow, that would really make me happy.

Sunday; the usual, church, get fat, sleep.
Tomorrow, back to Servite, sighh*

Show Me What's Missing

Today I ventured into DEE$ house and we just chilled. Then Phillip came and then the three of us laughed, sang, rapped, beatboxed together.I wish I had stayed longer, we didn't get to make an ultimate cover on Love Medley by Star Fam. Danielle was gonna sing, Phillip was gonna Rap, and I was gonna beatbox :] Dope right? Hahaha but that couldn't happen, but it will. Speaking of making covers, Matthew and I are supposed to make a cover to Anyone Else But You by Moldy Peaches together. Yeah, we're pretty fucking cute aha<3 Everytime that boy sings to me, I fall deeper in love with him. He's got me mesmerized *,*

Yesterday afternoon I walked to AmPm with Lien and then we went to Jack In The Box and we had a feast ! Then we went back to my house and back to hers and I made candy while she talked to Quang. I remembered that I used to be obsessed with him before and Lien wouldn't give me his phone number. Ahahaha but now we're talking on myspace as preeeends and thats going pretty good cuz I'm making alot of new friends :] Anyways, the three bracelets that I made came out fucking siiick, especially my F♥L one. Mother Holy! It came out amazazazazing. The others I made said DANI and the other, BOOTS. Those looked cute too. After creating all of that and stealing some of Lien's, I've grown a fascination of the color green. I think that is my favorite color now :]

Listen to, Love Medley by Star Fam :]

Here We Stand

I would rather have two golden quality friends rather than a quantity of lies.

I know they'll be here when people start saying things, rather them being one of the mouths that started it all.

"Don't trust anyone"
Valuable lesson taught here. Get a fucking life, you're pathetic. I look forward to see the day where you're stuck in my position. You think it won't happen? Yeah, neither did I but there you went. Soon they'll go too.

Now just leave me alone, what more can you do to ruin me?

Puffy Eyelids

Just stop, please. I never thought that it would come to this. I've got friends, I had you and i trusted you. All of it, all the words you told me seemed so promising, now look where that's gotten me.

Neither of you two could even stand up for me and say how fucked up that was because you guys just don't care anymore ? It's okay, I'd be just fine without your two faced lies.

"You surround yourself with shitty ass friends now look what they've done to you. I dont care how promising they all seem, cut them out of your life and everyone else who didn't stick up for you. Have some dignity and just walk away. You want help? Then fucking listen to me when you come crying all the time"

I told myself, it's not even like that. It's gonna be Just Fine, fuck that. Fucking bullshit. At least I don't go out telling others about you, you, or you.

"You're too nice. You need to know that not everyone out there is as nice as you. And you're giving yourself to people who don't even fucking deserve you. There are people out there that actually deserve to go to hell Keng, I'm serious."

I'll let you go. I did this for the best, I saved you the yelling, and I saved myself the crying, and I saved my friends the breath of telling me to end it already. I hope you're proud of what you've done, telling them all about me. Are you happy now? You better be, because now I'm slitting my wrists and thanking God for giving me the chance to experience this backstabbing feeling. You can have your jacket back if you want, just take all my two faced, heartless friends with it, because they seem to love&care about you more than me.
P.S. They wanted me to break up with you anyways.

It's Me vs You

"Time Time, just wait it out. There's nothing you can do, nothing any of us can. Endure it now, later on just know that I'll be one of the people that stuck with you, and excepted all your flaws and mistakes."

About 5 people have said this to me. This isn't one quote, it's several from the people that cared enough to stay and put up with my immature, pathetic cries of help. I'm still scared but at least I have people here for me that I know won't leave no matter how I treated them. I am sorry Lien for putting him above you, thanks for staying<3 Sorry Danielle, for leaving you for him right in front of your face, thanks for staying<3 Sorry Robyn for speaking to you the way I did, your abandonment has taught me alot

I've chosen not to give up so easily, doing that just fucks me over. I stuck to what I knew and felt and well, I'm not completely alone. I may have lost alot, but clearly not everything.

"Suck it up, don't cry. Shit's just gonna keep coming at you like this. You're only 14, it's gonna get alot worse. But I'm always here, no matter what happens" Michael Vincent<3


Song(s) of the Day
Wrestlers by Hot Chip
Silver Tiles by Matt and Kim

Aching Pulses

I've lost everything, did I really fuck up that bad?
Nothing's going right for me anymore, Literally, Nothing.
People say think about the future, but how does that help me
If there's nothing to look forward to?
I'm not saying I have no plans, there's just no one there anymore.
Literally.
No one.

Song of the Day
Moon by Sia

Cliche

Yesterday's plans failed. Dee and I were supposed to go to Matthew's but that didn't work out, so Dee just came here and the entire time we tried to make a cover to Brown Eyed Blues but that was an EPIC FAIL. So we just did a cover to Take You Down by Chris Brown :] I sounded retarded to be honest but it's okay cuh Danielle sounds freakin amazing.

Today, I couldn't go over to Dee's so I just stayed home. I wasn't completely and utterly bored because I woke up at like 11:30. Yesterday Dee and I watched video performance of Meg and Dia singing Cardigan Weather and I really like how Dia's hair was. So I spent my time trying to make it look like her and I came pretty close. But with it not tied, its just wavy curls and I likee it :]] When Mike came home, he was nasty sick so I took care of him like the good little sister I am. Later on, I'm going grocery shopping with my dad and renting DVD's. How fun haha
I really hope my brother will take me to Newport Beach tomorrow, I miss Maddy and Taira sooo much, it would really be the highlight of my week if I hung out with them<3