Red and Gold

So I got to school angry and not in the mood but after finding out that I got on Gold Drill, I got overly excited. Even more when they showed us the drills. There was only one good drill, ONE. I rushed myself to Michelle's sign up list and wow girls were like shoving and shoving. I wrote my name but fuck I got on a different drill. When Michelle finished sorting out girls on each team with the other drill captains, my heart was beating faster than ever and when she finished reading the names off the list, it stopped. The other drills suck, I'm sorry but wow. I wanted to switch to dance but theres no way I can. I'm trying to think about my drill routine and its not that bad but my captain doesn't even know what shes doing. Then I start thinking about Michelle's and I feel like shooting myself because I wanted that drill more than ever. Let's not forget that all my friends are on red or choral and my drill team is swamped with freshman that look like boys. I have one actual friend on that team and shes a junior. At least I have her.
Trying to be optimistic here, really trying.

Breathing Fire

Today in religion class we finished watching Henry Poole is Here. We always watch the best movies in that class. I cried, omg that movie is beautiful. I was tired for the entire day today, like really really tired. Surprisingly I'm not asleep right now but after going through my significant other's ex's homecoming pictures haha. That was a great laugh. After school today I took a huge keef toke out of the Roor. I'm not sure if thats how you spell keef but wow, I got efffeeeed up. Made me even more tired -____- Ay Caramba.
Tomorrow is Red&Gold kick off. I'm not that excited probably because I was on an offstage category last year. If I get offstage again, wooooow. I'd just completely hate Red&Gold :p I guess I'll just have to wait. I just want this week to be over already.

January 26, 2010

Was my bestfriend's birthday. Ignoring my phobia of ovens, I made that bitch a cake. Everyone loved it I felt very very content with myself considering the fact that that was the first time I had baked a cake and the first time I had baked alone(: I was happy I was the only one that made her something because on my birthday, wow ahaha I had batch of cupcakes and two cakes. Too much ahaha it's nice to have just one piece of pastry for a day x] anyways, happy 16th Tiffany(:
Anyways, I had a great surprising end of the day but for my own privacy, I'll keep that to myself. Today is the best day I've had for awhile. It's nothing so great to any passerby but what's been going on lately it means the world to me.

Stuck

I like going to starbucks because they serve good shtuff and its always interesting to see all the different ways they spell my name. Gold star if they spell it right cuz my name is spelled wrong. Now this lady actually spelled it as how its always heard wrong. Fran Jessica. Wow was all I had to say.
Last week I watched Paper Heart with my dad. We loved it ahaha such a cute movie. Makes me want to meet Michael Cera more and more. I want to rob that boy of his innocence. Today I watched My Sister's Keeper. What a sad sad movie, I cried alot but I knew my crying was prolonged because of the movie. I've been needing to cry but I just feel more and more pathetic and weak everytime. And thats the last thing I want to be seen as. I've been waiting for you. Since yesterday. It's 7 pm. I'll be gone in 3 hours till tomorrow. Waiting waiting waiting.I don't want to wait anymore, I'm sorry I think you don't understand.
I guess this is how I'll have to adapt to this because this is gonna stay like this for however long. I'm already beginning not to try anymore.
All I asked was for a call..

Impossible

No matter what I do, no matter what people say, no matter how I feel in the daytime doesn't change anything about how I feel at night. Night's without you are killing me slowly and I may sound pretty damn pathetic because I have you in daylight but maybe you just dont understand. I'm hurting almost everynight.
I had a perfectly wonderful day today. Finals are over and all my friends came here and we had a great time. I laughed really hard, I got faded, and we recorded songs. Pretty fun friday right? I feel like my insides are being torn apart and its never ending. I can't keep doing this, this is so goddamn painful and hard. It wasn't even anything like they think it is. Not even fucking close to what they think, they know absoloutely nothing about me, about us. Wow I sound like a pathetic whiny ass annoying fucking cunt.
I think I'm bipolar.
Nothing anyone says or does will ever change this. I will never forgive you for this, even if it seemed to be my fault. I will hold this in my heart till it stops beating. You don't know how much this is killing me inside and the best part is, you don't even care. I'll never forgive you, never never forgive you. You don't know how much excrutiating pain you cause, you don't know. You don't know anything.

Finals Week

I feel good about everything BUT the grammar portion of my english final and my entire religion final in which I know I completely failed. Everything else, gott iiiiit :D
I'm kinda excited for my geometry final. Geometry is kinda fun if you know what you're doing.

Anyways, I'm on a constant bipolar swing everyday. I hate nighttime <|3 I limited to what I can say and do and feel.

Class

So I'm in my religion class right now on an awkward schedule not doing anything. I guess I could blog right here on my itouch.
I would say things are better but it's only getting worse. I hate going home but I hate going to school. I can't keep abiding by these rules you've set down for me. It's torture. I really can't keep doing this, I guess I'm pathetic.

I havnt started studying for finals yet and that shits next week. I really should start preparing or else I'm gonna live in that house that straps me down from everything that makes me happy. It's nothing rebellious or anything it's just, really .. What's the goddamn problem?
I'm not a disgrace, it's not shameful, I'm exactly like you.
This isn't my fault was it?

Necessity

"I love you and I will love you."

Boats and birds

I take it back but I'm still not okay. Of course not, you get a scar across your face and soul after all this type of stuff. I can't breathe, I'm gasping for air everytime I'm alone because I feel entirely alone, I never thought one could loose all hope and faith so instantly. I hope, I'm hoping, on my knees praying that one day this will happen. I have reassurance but still, away from you? How? Everything to me how could one go on like this? I don't want to seem irrational or immature or just another stupid naive teenager who thinks that they know everything. Because I'm not. I'm responsible, smart and I know what's right and sometimes what's wrong is what's best. What I know is what makes us wanting more and more after every goddamn slash at your soul, it's got to be something of importance or meaning. At least a reasonable reason behind the action.
I'll wait as long as I have to. I'm not going to give up, I'm not going to move on. I won't let you slip away.

Cut cut cut

Funny how you think everything's fine and you get the seams of your smile ripped off your goddamn face.
I feel nothing, I've lost hope before but I've lost all faith in everything. Why would do people kill themselves huh? Because there's something better after? Yeah. No. I don't think so, nothing's worth that, nothing's worth anything anymore.
Catholic girls school. Haha what the fuck do I do now?

Inhale Exhale

Last night I had my friends Ashley Amber and Angela come over for fun/hw packets/health project. Wow I just noticed all of their names start with an A haha Anywhoo, that was a looooooooooad of fun. Angela left latest which was chill, she left at like late 11 so that was good. I hope that video comes out well, shooting scenes with my brother and his girlfriend were priceless.
Ima keep tonight on a hush though. What I will say was that it was absoloutely wonderful<3
Wow, things are clearing up. Oh, finals dont kill this for me x[

Untitled

I know shit's supposed to happen but when is it supposed to stop? =/

Verging on

I'm constantly get my phone taken away now. That's my fault though I guess, I'm doing this blog on my itouch right now. Whaaack shit yo. I've been so stressed and school's not even until another 7 hours. I wanna go back to last week, how I felt last week, what I wanted what I was saying last week. I wanna go back to that, completely. I havnt cried since that one awful awful night but I won't even get on that topic. That was a long night of blood and tears. Literally. Anyways, I feel like I have to cry now. But I Keep holding it in because idk crying feels stupid to me, I feel so pathetic and weak. It's getting worse though, if one bad thing happens, being yelled at or getting angry at, I might cry. I get that gross choke feeling in my throat. I hate that, I hate crying, goddamn I just want things to go back to normal. Please..
I need some type of inspiration or sense of hope. Idk what's wrong with me anymore, I can't I won't even try because I don't want to consider the reasons and oconsequences or possibilities.

"Life sucks, then we die."