Done. Pax.

Everythings done and settled with. No more
My mind is finally at peace.

Somehow something goes wrong and still you are the only person I know that can help me. Anyone else would give me advice that probably doesn't even make sense or some bullshit like everythings gonna be okay and to cheer up. I think if my eyelids get puffy within an hour that I can't cheer up. Just last week I had a nightmare that honestly made me need you. No one else made it all go away like you. Just like right now. No one would understand really what's going on in my family right now, but you. But I won't go to you, no matter how much I need someone to understand, I despise all that you are yet you're the only person I know that understands and would know what to do in this situation. I wish I could hate you, so goddamn badly because that's all you deserve. I hate that I need you.

Closed

Sleeping, crying, hurting.
Ahaha fml.
My life sucks haha.
Nothing feels the same anymore.
I watch them laugh and smile
only cuz they got to talk to a great guy the night before
That's why. The only reason why.
I used to be happy like that too yaknow?
Laughing, truly saying Im so goddamn happy I could die from it.
Idk how you felt at the moment
Flirtatious, infatuated, smitten, obsessed, horny, desperate
But I loved him. I love him. I have real feelings for that guy.
He was my everything, my laugh, my smile, my comfort
My light in this hell.
Now its like that light just got taken away.
I can't see anything, but it hurts.
I dont know what's coming, but it hurts bad.
With one kiss.
You took him.
With whatever you felt at the moment,
Can never compare to the way I felt about him
Nor can it compare to the pain you caused.

Cheat

Every Sunday is when it hurts the most. I fucking hate it, why Sundays. Why EVERY sunday? Dammit dude what the hell why does it hurt so much. You have fun. You have her. You have glory. I have scars. I have no one. I have hell. Living hell. I noticed this before but I'll say it again, the more hyper I am, the more depressed I am. I yell I laugh I scream. All just so I don't cry at school. So I don't cry at all. All I wanted was you. I never did you wrong, never. This is what I get in return? At least stop haunting me in my dreams. In all honesty I still want you I still need you I still love you. I hate how you're done, I hate how you're gone.

I know.

I do. I just wanna know why. What did I ever do to you.

"Why? Why do you wanna do that cheska?" said someone.
"Because, I'll just keep trashing my body till it gives up. Then all the pain will be gone. I just don't wanna go through this anymore."

hopefully I o.d.
Maybe then you'll start to give a fuck. Since the cuts weren't enough. I guess I'm going crazy, at least it's all for you. Everything i ever did was for you. I love you.
I'd love to say I hate you, but I don't. I want you back. You didn't, obviously because you..
Well idk who reads this so I won't say.
Anyways, if I can't have you, I don't want anything at all.
It's just not worth it, show me what's worth all this anymore, maybe I won't use the needles but until then. Au revoir ;o
I know, I've gone crazy.

All it was

To think all I asked for, all that bothered me
was the lack if attention and affection
What relationship doesn't have that?
When we fought, we were supposed to have faith in each other
Hope that we'll make it through this mess
But how could I have hope when you gave me no love to fuel it?
You gave me none.
Instead of hope, I had doubt.
Look where we are now.
I hope this is what you wanted, maybe this is what you wanted
I wanted love, I wanted you, my love..
You wanted freedom, you wanted to be free
You couldn't find freedom in me? I couldve been your escape from everything
I couldve been your everything.
You were my everything.
Now I'm nothing
Now we're nothing.
Just a pretty memory that kills me everyday.

Hurt

I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I really don't mind dying. Death is easy, quick. Life.. And this.. Pain is just too hard, it hurts and takes too long. I really wouldn't mind dying.
Love is the most beautiful gift God has given us. So why does it also have the power to cause such excruciating pain? I guess you can't have a rose without it's thorns.
I hate talking about how I'm feeling or 'how I'm holding up' I really don't because fuck once you ask me that you better be prepared because I will cry harder than you have ever seen a person cry. I'm hurting. Badly. Now that you're gone, i feel like you took my heart with you. I'm just a walking lifeless body. I can't feel.. I hate hoping, I hate being positive like you always tried to make me be. It hurts, it all hurts. Like you said that one night, 'With every move, I die.'
I wanna go now. Like God, take me now.. I can't do this anymore.

It's over

And you don't want me back. You're already moving on.
I can honestly say I was happier in the relationship than how I am now
what have I done..
Idk how I'll get over this, this will be the hardest thing of my life
I can honestly say that too.
I don't wanna say anything more.. Even though I know you don't check this
I'm.. I'm so goddamn empty, idk what to do..

Reversed

My whole mentality.. Reversed
I can't feel anything anymore
I've lost complete sanity
life's just pointless and humiliating
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
cut
my fingertips feel icy cold
I'm in love

1940s

That's one thing I won't forget. Your amazing taste in music. I loved it when you showed me all this amazing music I had never heard. I loved it when you left the phone you played one of your favorite songs in that playlist. Amazing.

Last night was a really long night. I kinda hoped you chose our first solution because you've continously hurt me throughout that entire conversation. It's like when I told you how I felt about you, it meant absoloutely nothing and you were just gonna rip the words out of my lips and tear my whole world down.. You were my world.. How am I supposed to go on living with the possibility of you leaving at any second..? I'm kinda a child when it comes to you but wow.. I'm not sure I can take all this, even if its over.. ;(

Easter

Went to church and then went to my grandma's apt in LA. Spilled ham juice on myself while carrying it up to the apt so I had to take my tights off and I felt kinda embarrassed in front of the ol' g'ma in a tiny black skirt. Wow ahaha. Knocked out on the couch with my brother after eating then awoke to my mom yelling about the earthquake. I wish I was awake during that, tiny earthquakes like that are kinda fun. Just tiny ones, not like homewrecking ones. No aha.
Uhm. What sucks is when you know you can get everything you want only if you come to the decision whether to take that leap of faith or not. Just last night I was already questioning myself, before the call from both of them, "why am I still doing this?" I honestly dont know, I have a beautiful picture painted right in front of me but I dont even know why I cant let it take my breath away. I'm scared to talk to anyone that I trust in this world about what's going on in my head right now because I'm afraid they'll tell me I already know what to do because I'm not that naive. I'm not that oblivious, I know whats for the greater good for myself. I dont know what I'm doing with you, I don't know what I'm waiting for. Things already feel completely different. I dont know if I'll like it when you touch me, I don't know if I'll like it when you say my name, I don't know if I still feel the same about you about me about us.. If that's not you, if everything I'm saying isn't you and you can't try to fit into my shoes and feel everything I'm feeling, then .. I guess this 'you' you say you are, isn't for me..
Happy Easter.