nostalgia

Reading makes me feel wierd. It makes me want to write, I guess thats why when my teacher asked me if I read alot and she assumed so because "I'm a good writer" I found that funny because I don't read alot. But when I do, it kinda jet starts my mind and I start thinking things in different ways. In the book I'm reading which I actually started a year ago but never finished said that if you light a cigerrate and it lights halfway that means someone is thinking about you. Then it made me think of how many different people pop into my head every now and then. And how little things make me think of that person or whoever what they look like what they said what they did at the one second. And then made me realize, I probably pop into someone's mind every now and then. And it's wierd because I have no idea whose mind I'm in right now. Even a stranger, sometimes I look at random people and then later in my day or life think about what they looked like or what they wore just for the hell of it. And to think that someone probably does the same about me makes me feel naked. It's kind of an invasion of privacy. I guess I should stop that.
Reading makes me talk wierd. Like this blog I'm typing. I guess because I'm reading about another person perspectives and life and how much more their life sucks than mine or how much worse mine is makes me feel wierd. I don't feel like myself. I feel like I've been making all these little traumas the biggest moment in my life. But then again they weren't really "little traumas" Maybe I just feel wierd because I stick my eyes into these pages and start thinking and talking like them because I had been reading for so long. Even that I feel like I am that character for a moment because I can relate. But then I remember that this isn't a real person, just some made up character that some strager created and wrote down on paper.

I had a deep conversation yesterday with a friend about a topic that I really hate. She said that I try all these things to do to make me feel happy. But I'm really not happy and that everything that I've done isn't going to continue and I realized thats true. Because I'm not with my friends at dinner or at a movies still. I'm at home. Alone, feeling, not happy. So am I really happy? I don't know. I honestly dont know what I am at this moment in time. I don't cry anymore. I just, I wanna know what really being happy feels like since I'm not even sure if I've been happy all along. After all, I do make myself really extremely hyper when my life's falling apart. Did I tell you that? I do that so I don't cry in front of people. People see me like that all time. Hyper, loud. I wonder if anyone really thinks they know who I am. What I'm feeling. If they look at me and say that one girl always laughs. I wonder if anyone else laughs when their heart's are hurting. I dont know what I am. I don't know what I should do or what I should need. I don't know how to win. Am I depressed? No. Did something else happen this time? No. I'm just wondering how all these people go on living with themselves knowing what they've done to a person. Am I hurting? No. I'm just curious. But then again, curiousity killed the cat.

New.

Nothing terrible has happened in awhile, but I guess i shouldn't jinx it.
Anyways, made a tumblr. Since everyone had one just for fun I thought I should have. It's just a whatever blog. A happy blog haha
cheskababesx3.tumblr.com

Leaving for Cancun at 5 am tomorrow morning. Woo, summer

Bull

I am so done. Fucking hang myself already this is a goddamn fucking joke

Looking down

I'm really scared. I've never been so scared in my life. I have no outlet, I can't tell anybody, nobody can comfort me. When I'm walking everything shakes, my vision is a blur. There's a beating in my head bombarding my ears when its utterly quiet. I'm so helpless.
Tomorrow is when I find out if I can still get.. God, help me please. Even the computer screen is bulging out at me. I didn't think it would show really but some people have noticed actually. My dad did. That was completely awkward. I need a miracle.. Badly..
I can't even move sometimes because I'm so scared. Stupid stupid stupid I repeat to myself. So stupid. I didn't know, how was I supposed to know? It wasn't the first time. I need help, I need serious help, I'm so scared.
Just when things finally starting to go right, the most unimaginable thing has to happen to me. I need prayers, I need a miracle because that seems like the only thing that can help me at this rate.

Kapamilia

Is anyone else's family falling apart aside from mine?
I could really use a hug.

Done. Pax.

Everythings done and settled with. No more
My mind is finally at peace.

Somehow something goes wrong and still you are the only person I know that can help me. Anyone else would give me advice that probably doesn't even make sense or some bullshit like everythings gonna be okay and to cheer up. I think if my eyelids get puffy within an hour that I can't cheer up. Just last week I had a nightmare that honestly made me need you. No one else made it all go away like you. Just like right now. No one would understand really what's going on in my family right now, but you. But I won't go to you, no matter how much I need someone to understand, I despise all that you are yet you're the only person I know that understands and would know what to do in this situation. I wish I could hate you, so goddamn badly because that's all you deserve. I hate that I need you.

Closed

Sleeping, crying, hurting.
Ahaha fml.
My life sucks haha.
Nothing feels the same anymore.
I watch them laugh and smile
only cuz they got to talk to a great guy the night before
That's why. The only reason why.
I used to be happy like that too yaknow?
Laughing, truly saying Im so goddamn happy I could die from it.
Idk how you felt at the moment
Flirtatious, infatuated, smitten, obsessed, horny, desperate
But I loved him. I love him. I have real feelings for that guy.
He was my everything, my laugh, my smile, my comfort
My light in this hell.
Now its like that light just got taken away.
I can't see anything, but it hurts.
I dont know what's coming, but it hurts bad.
With one kiss.
You took him.
With whatever you felt at the moment,
Can never compare to the way I felt about him
Nor can it compare to the pain you caused.